Honest Thoughts

The full title of this post was originally "What happens when your not sure about what you've found when your 'finding yourself'," but that was a bit much. After that I adapted it to "Honest Thoughts on Finding Yourself," which I determined was still too lengthy. So in the end I shortened it, but you get the jist.

Basically, as I get older I question more. I look more deeply into the previous decisions I've made and I realize I have more say in who I am than I have allowed for the past 26 years. Honestly, I have been going against a flow of normalcy my whole life, however it isn't until now that I've owned that as being part of me. I've also learned to be more open with my needs, wants, and desires. I've learned to take pride in the aspects of my own personality and appearance that hindered me in my youth. I take responsibility for who I am and who I am becoming. This must truly be something that comes with years or wisdom, because I never saw all this before.

My original post title gives you a glimpse of the internal struggle with what I am beginning to see within myself. The strict rules of conduct and personal expectations I once placed on myself are slowly peeling away. What I'm finding is a long list of curiosities, an interesting mix of passions, and collection of undetermined possibilities. Perhaps this change of mindset is why they say women hit their prime in their thirties. I've seen a lot of things change as I near that magical age. From the emotional to the physical and the spiritual to the sexual, I am feeling more and more like a maze or fine detailed piece of art. There is so much more to me than I realized.

Now, if I only understood everything I was finding. At times the revelations are surprising or even scary. I am so blessed to have my husband who is willing to talk it out and help me reach some form of understanding of what I am feeling, discovering, or exploring. The interesting thing about this is that it happens all the time. I spend much of my alone time thinking, writing, or exploring Pinterest. Even music seems to open worlds within my mind. Its quite an amazing thing. I am rarely bored.

Please don't get me wrong. There is a lot of core aspects of my personality and beliefs that haven't changed at all. In fact, these new found tools and the desire for self discovery has strengthened some of them. It just leaves me with so many questions. It makes me wonder if I could have known and understood some of these things sooner. It makes me question myself at times, "what if I don't like the me I find?" Its such a confusing and exciting time.

I would love to hear stories, tips, and thoughts from those of you have already gone through it or are doing so with me. Let me know that I am not alone... or just tell me I'm crazy and let us move on with life!

By the way, I hope you enjoyed the "shades" of me!

Digging Deeper: Question 2

Today I have another "thinker" for you to try. As you may have guessed, Ive done a lot of research in order to give give you good, creative ideas for self exploration. You can find this question on its original site, here.

"What would I do if I had three wishes?"

First off, I'd ask for a a job for my husband that he loves, has family friendly hours, and is paid well. I don't really want to have the easy track with "free" money for the rest of my life. Beyond that, Andrew needs to get out everyday! haha!

Second, I want a roomy house with a yard (thats paid for). I know I just said I don't want free money, I don't. That is not money.

Third, I want Henry and Ben to sleep through the night, every night. 8:30 to 7:30 would be acceptable.

I don't think any of these are unreasonable. So, if you wish to donate, let me know. Ha!!! What would be one of your three wishes? What do you think about mine?

Remind me again...

Someone please remind me why I'm supposed to be writing this blog again. Ok, so that was really rhetorical. It just feels like its been a million years since I've posted anything and Im getting no where with the original goal. I'd like to say, "while I was gone, I have come so far." But, I'd be lying. Actually, if you could be negative-square one, that would be me.

Im sure almost everyone knows what its like to have so much going on that you forget you only have one life to live. There are whole days I only see the sunlight through my car window on my way to work. I am so tired of living the "getting by" kind of existence. So, how does one live life to the fullest? Is it only meant for a few? Is it possible for someone on the low end of totem pole? Is it possible for ME?

For those of you who are wondering, I am healed pretty well from my pacemaker surgery. My son is growing up quickly (and I'm missing it), and my husband can see some light at the end of his career tunnel. Truthfully, our life seems to be going... smoothly. (It took me a few moments to choose the wording of the previous statement. "Well," would have made it sound as if I thought things were actually good.) Smoothly, I will give my life that. We have settled into a routine. Everything is penciled in. You know its bad when you have so schedule some things.  This is not at all the life I had imagined for myself. I am not the mother I wanted to be or the wife I should be. I need a life makeover. Is there a show for that? Something like- The Biggest Loser, Extreme Home Makeovers, What Not To Wear, and I don't know; all put together!


Getting to know Myself: Step One- What do I want in a Life?

A career I don't hate, that doesn't consume my entire day.
A house- big enough to fit a family, with a yard (with preferably, some grass).
Children. Mine, yours, adopted, everywhere...
A life, with friends and all.
A happy and satisfied husband. Not perfect, just perfectly mine.
Enough money. Not too much, I dont need to be rich. Not too little, I already know how that is.
To get on the mission field (once in a while at least).

Getting to know Myself: Step Two- What do I have?
Two jobs, I dont hate them... but they do consume my whole day and dont pay enough.
A two bedroom, basement apartment with noisy neighbors and no outdoors space.  Forget a mortgage.
One very handsome and wonderful 6 month old baby boy.
Do really great coworkers count?
Great husband, not a lot of time to make him happy.
Well, we sort of have enough to cover all the bills, if Im creative.
I haven't seen my beloved Japan in several years now and with all these bills, its going to be a while. 


Am I close?

I guess I should keep working on it. For now, I'll be happy if I can keep up with this blog. Pray my internet connection lasts. Its been months since someone has been willing to "share".

Crying baby; Tuna sandwich

  
 I thought the name of this post was very appropriate for the occasion. If you haven't already guessed, I am eating a tuna sandwich and listening to my son express his dislike for being put down for nap. A random title seemed the best option since I had so much to discuss.

    Considering this is my very first post, I want to cover some of the things I want to explore during the life of this blog. When I first pondered the idea of blogging, it was a distant dream, a hopeful after thought. When I finally got serious, a whole plethora of ideas flowed into my cerebellum. Below I will list some of the questions I wish to answer and a few of the titles that may appear in future posts.

• What am I supposed to do?
• Who am I, really?
• What makes a good mom, not just a good mother?
• What did I learn from my childhood?
• What did I miss? (My childhood and teen years)
• Facing my past, what did I learn?
• The future, what does it hold?
• Love, Life, and Happily Ever After
• Why I like shuffle. 
• Who says I cant do everything?
• Blessings in the mail
• Miracles happen
• The No Good, Very Bad Day
• Plus size and beautiful, dealing with self image
• The beauty queen within
• When Yes means No and Vissa Versa
• Dear Manda, random facts and advice
• What happened? I suddenly grew up.
• Who says "there is no such thing as Prince Charming?"
• Can faith and logic be reconciled?
• Laugh a little
• No longer honeymooners
• Everything I learned, I learned from my mother...

    That is just a few things that I quickly jotted down. I suspect I will have many, many more pop into my mind later on.  Now, over time you will get to know me. Please feel free to ask a question, add a thought, or just point out something I missed. Self exploration is a journey, Im inviting you to come along and be apart of my team. So team, we're off!