I am a Dreamer

Did you know I that I am a dreamer? I am sure that all my regular readers gave a resounding, "duh" to answer that question. Are you a dreamer? What is it that makes you consider yourself a dreamer?

As I face a future with a lot of limitations, I consider the things I would still love to do in life. Although some of the are not really possible anymore, some may need to be pursued earlier than I expected to, or in a different way.

I have thrown around many career options in my lifetime. None have really stuck with me, with the exception of education. I have been working with children nearly my entire life. I love it deeply, but I have always dreamed of exploring other options. Among my list of choices I included artist, author, storm chaser, scientist, and stay at home mom. More practical and relevant ideas have also crossed my mind. At one point I considered being a special education teacher, an occupational therapist, or even an elementary teacher. My wildest notions have included theologian, professor, and Christian marriage and sex therapist. My calling has always been to go into the mission field. As you can tell, I am all over the career spectrum. For this very reason I have not gone back to school to get a masters or doctorate!

As for hobbies, I am even more eclectic. I already write, read, and listen to music on a regular basis.Which are all pretty "normal" hobbies. I even dabble in the arts at times. Yet my dream hobbies are nowhere near as mediocre . I would love to do beauty pageants, opera singing, professional party planning, an "ask Manda" column,Harley riding, and even  fashion design and dancing. World travel is also on the very top of that list. At one time that was one of my regular hobbies. However, it has been years since I have been abroad. Now, all these hobbies are worth while plans. Still, I am clearly aware that I am no longer that right age (or shape) for beauty pageants. I also know that opera singing takes a lifetime of practice I do not have. Dancing is not that practical now with my own physical disabilities. The same will soon be true of world traveling since "the world" is sadly not handicap accessible. The other options above are a toss up. If you could choose any hobby, what would you consider?

A dreamer does not let their limitations stop them. They use those limitations as starting points for
finding new opportunities. So, are you a dreamer or do you let life stop you? Do you push past your weakness to build new strengths? If so, explore with me. Let's find some new passions together!

Hope is on its Way

Its interesting how sometimes when it rains, it pours. At this moment in my life, this is how I feel. I sure many of you (if not all of you) can relate to that. Although there is always light at the end of a storm, it can be so hard to remember that as you hear the thunder, see all the lightning and are soaking wet.

I am here to tell you today, that it will turn out. It will get better. I am not promising a quick fix or some speedy resolution. I am just reminding you that in the end, it all comes around. I want to just spread a little hope today. Perhaps I just need a little bit myself!

On a whole different topic, on Missionary Manda's Musings I am having a neat little giveaway going on! Please feel free to enter!

Why I am Losing Weight Even Though I am a Part of the Body Love Movement

As I face a new chapter of my life I must consider what this previous chapter has taught me. Over the past two years I have grown tremendously through blogging. I have come to understand aspects of me that were once unexplored. I have come to love who I am despite my flaws. And I have made new friends and connections that never would have been in my life without being a blogger. This chapter has brought some of the highest and even the lowest moments in my life. However, just like a book or a fine meal, this course will not last forever.

If you have been following for any length of time you already know that I struggled with my weight and self esteem a lot as young person. In fact, even early in my marriage I was still feeling the effects of it. Now as I am finally coming to a place of acceptance and even love for who I am, I have to make a change. A few months ago I posted that I recently received a diagnosis that changed my life. It wasn't truly clear how much my life was really going to change. In the process of seeing doctors, getting tests, and researching there are been several things that have been reoccurring. One, weight loss is needed and immediately. Two, at some point in life I will need to be prepared to end my work career in disability rather than retirement. Third, I can't keep pretending and going on with things as normal because it will only make me worse. I must start making changes! Lastly, being disabled is expensive. For the sake of time, I am only covering the weight loss today.

Here's the facts: I totally agree with the BODY LOVE movement. I don't mind being plus size and sometimes I am even rather happy to be so. Yes, I do have bad days were nothing fits and I feel "fat". Although I talked about it off and on, I never really planned on changing.

All the statements above are still true, except one. I do plan to make a change now. There is no more "talking", its about time to get to"doing". Its not because I hate myself or even because  I want to buy nice clothing (although it will be nice), its about living a high quality life. My doctor put it in a way I will never forget. When it comes to degenerative arthritis, weight loss is one of the best ways to reduce pain and slow degeneration. My doctor said it this way, "If you told a cancer patient that by dong something it would be like being half way to a cure, they would waste no time or money to do it. However, with weight people put it off or think they don't need any help when for them it could be just as critical."

So, I am getting help. Over the next few weeks I will watched carefully as I do a medically guided diet with medication. Over the next year I should go from who I am to half of me. Its all so scary and a little exciting all at the same time. It requires so much work, money, and courage to take this step that will change who I am FOREVER.

I here to ask you, my readers, fellow bloggers, and those who are a part of the BODY LOVE movement to be my support. I am doing the best thing I can right now for the body I love, losing some of it.

I'd love to hear your encouraging stories, comments, and ideas below in the comments.

 LET'S DO THIS!

Let's make this my BEFORE picture

When a Diagnosis Changes Everything

I argued with myself on whether or not to even write on this topic. I say this because not every life changing diagnosis is one that marks your days. Some life changing diagnosis' are the ones that change your life from now on. Others change your near (or distant) future. Although the one that marks your days is probably the most painful to hear, I believe all of them have their own burden.

As a teenager my mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, a disease that affects the brain and spinal cord and is often debilitating. This news came to our family in a rather shocking and unexpected way. A simple bump on the head at a theme park lead to a realization that your whole life is changed. Things like this happen on a daily basis. Perhaps not to you, maybe not even a loved one, but someone, somewhere is having to cope with a life changing diagnosis. Someone's loved one is having to face changes they never even imagined.

(For those who are curious, my mother is doing very well. She stays rather active, despite  what doctors see on her scans and tests. She is a testament of faith and the idea that being a grandparent keeps one young. She often accredits her endurance to my two kiddos whom she keeps daily during the school year.)

Now, I am faced with own mortality. The realization that I am not truly a super being and I wont be able to do everything forever. About a month or so ago I re-started my journey to find the cause and relief to my regular and at times slowing back pain. Since a fairly young age (early teens), I struggled with regular pain in my upper back. I rarely put any though in the matter due to being well endowed at an early age along the bust. As time went on these symptoms worsened and I began to search out some relief. After trying everything from chiropractic care and braces to physical therapy, I got desperate. I finally went and saw a spinal surgeon who ran me through some pretty extensive tests and was able to get me in the right direction.

Sparing you all the extra details, I was finally given a diagnosis. I am sure you can guess by my post title, that it was not the one I expected to get. I was hoping for a treatable condition that could be reversed and I could go on with my attempts of doing it all. This is the furthest thing from what happened. The original diagnoses of Degenerative Disc Disease and arthritis seemed hopeful. Yet in the end, my hopes were shattered and there was little I could do.

I was diagnosed with something called DISH- Diffuse idiopathic skeletal hyperostosis. This in its self was even not so bad, although it has no cure. Where my life changed is this, this condition is not all that uncommon, what is uncommon is my age. Most people diagnosed with this are in their late forties at the earliest. This disease can be quite progressive so the older age means less affected time in life. This is not the case for me. My digression started no later than my mid teens. To understand what I am saying you need to know what this disease does. Basically, as discs in your back degenerate, your body creates spurs and bony-calcium deposits that form over the vertebrae. This extra calcium can also end up in other joints as well.

(Example) Source

So, how does that really change my life? Well, my back is completely fused together from vertebrae 6 to vertebrae 12. I have have arthritics in my hips, knees, and other joints as well. Because of the early on set, it is clearly progressive. This means that if I already have this much damage in ten years, what will the next ten hold for me? Amazingly, I have little to no damage to the weight baring section of my back. This is one major blessing. However, being overweight increases my risks for a faster progression. The faster I could lose, the long expectancy I would have for mobility. This in itself is a hard task because the recommended treatments for such immediate weight-loss are not covered by my insurance. Beyond that, there is nothing they can do to change what is already done. All I can do is treat pain. I will be on a pain medication regimen my entire life. I also have appointments to see doctors who specialize in just dealing with pain.

Is the pain really that bad? Until you really know me, you wont understand what I am saying here. I have a quite a high pain tolerance. I've been through a lot in my short life. My mother has seen me on death's door more times than a parent should. I have a pacemaker. I am an old soul in an old body. The only thing young about me is the years I've lived. Yes, this pain changes my life. I come from a family where asking for help was rare. We are a get up and do it yourself crew. I have a strong desire to do things on my own. However, I have gotten to the point I can not. I can not carry my children for any length of time. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. Rolling over in the night can at times me torture, causing spasms I cannot explain. No, you wouldn't know there was anything wrong when you see me at the store.That is because over the years I have learned to hide pain and push on through. Its both a blessing and a curse I received from my mother.

How is this life changing if you already deal with it? I wont always be able to do this. At some point I will lose some mobility. Because this is bone that is creating the problem, I cannot just push through forever. At some point this bone will be in places that will change the way I do things. These changes could be earlier than I really want to thing about. At this point, I may be able to see significant difference by the age of 37. Do you realize how young that is?

So yes, I didn't get a number of my days, but at first, it felt like it. I am fiercely  independent. If you don't believe me, ask my husband. Now I am having to consider things like disability insurance and handicap parking. This is not something I ever wanted to consider. Its not something I ever expected to have to face. Yet, at the age of 26 I have faced more adversity than many do in their lifetime. I have no doubt I'll make it through. Every time I get down about it, I consider my mother. Its just hard now.

2. Read an Enlightening Book

I am a firm believer in reading self improvement books. In fact, they are my favorite thing to read! Now, you don't have to go as extreme as I did, just pick something that interests you. Whether its fashion, marriage, family, or like my book, your bedroom life, find a good one and dig in!

You don't necessarily have to buy it either. The library is a treasure trove of great self improvement books.

Reading books opens doors to lots of other things you can do to rejuvenate your life Life doesn't have to be boring, so don't let it!

If you still need some ideas, here is my Pinterest board with my a few of my planned reading- The Library

What book did you decide to read? Please share.

A Letter to My Single Friends at Valentine's Day

So, over the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about marriage, family, settling down, and all the things that supposedly come with "growing up". I've been reading just about every article and post that pops up on the topic. Its been great. I've enjoyed them. A few have reminded me why I love my husband or why its awesome to have kids. Then I got to thinking, what is it like for my dear single friends who don't live in this world.

I know its true that I too once lived a single life. I slept, ate, and woke whenever I decided. I went out and didn't ask anyone's permission and I didn't have to carry a diaper bag. However, its been easy to forget those days ever existed. This leads me to why I decided to write this letter.

Single Friends,

 I know its hard to wait for someone special. I know your parents want you to "settle down" and have a few grand-babies for them. I know you feel like it will never happen. Cheer up, I have a gift for you! I will give you a very personal, intimate view of what its like to be married and an even more open view of what its like to be a parent.

Its hard! Marriage is hard. It takes hours of work, often with little to no return. You have no privacy, no space, and you have to consult someone else on everything. Yes, its nice to have someone to talk to, but that also means you have to listen. Sometimes you will have to sit there for an hour and listen to someone talk about video games or reasons why today is a bad hair day. You will have double the stress, double the bills, and half the sleeping room. Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband but there were perks to the single life. I beg you to take advantage of them now while you can. And, if the case should be that you never get married, I hope you can see the blessings in it.

The other thing I can say about that is, flirt. Make someone else feel beautiful, special, and worth while. In fact, make many people feel that way. You have the rare opportunity of being able to freely share compliments without risk. I'm not saying go get involved with tons of people, I'm just saying that there is so much fun in the chase. Once your married, your caught and that season of your life is over.

Secondly, parenting is the hardest, lowest paying job you will ever have. Please believe me when I say that I have not slept a whole night or eaten a whole meal in peace for over three years. You wont believe me now, but you don't realize how good you have it on a nightly basis. While I'm here. Sleep. Sleep! Sleep while you can, you will miss it someday.

Children will force you to take a deep look at yourself. You will see depths of fear, anger, and love you have never experienced. The freedoms you have now will be gone and you will have the greatest responsibility you could ever imagine on your shoulders. You will have little help, many questions, and probably more ruined clothes than you think. You will have regular conversations about puke, poop, and all sorts of unpleasant things.

My friends, please don't let me dampen your desire for a spouse and family. I don't say all this to ruin or crush your hopes and dreams. In fact, I hope that if you want those things that you get your Prince Charming or Cinderella. I hope they treat you like gold and realize that they are so very lucky. Look at all you gave up to be with them. I also hope you take a few minutes every day after your married to realize they too gave up a lot for you. You are worth it! So, just because someone is not in your life right now, doesn't mean its a bad thing. Sometimes the very best things take the longest to achieve.

This Valentine's day, I have a few suggestions to make the day less depressing. (Because, frankly, I know it will be.)

One, be another lonely someone's secret valentine. Don't sign it, don't admit to it, just do it. It might be just enough to change someone's whole point of view this year.

Second, grab a friend and go out on Valentine's day anyway. I'm not talking one of the "romantic" hot spots, but to something! Don't stay in and sulk. If you can't go out, do something at home. Just don't sit there on your couch, eating ice-cream and pouting. Your better than that! You are a grown-up. You have a life and friends and so many people who love you.

Third, remember the people who love you. Send your mother a valentine. Call up your best friend, whatever it takes. Put your life in perspective.

Fourth, if you don't make a point to go out or have some kind of fun shindig at home... offer to babysit for one of your friends who is already left the single life. If they have kids, they don't have many chances to be with that special someone anymore. Just place this thought in your mind, someday you will wish that someone does the same thing for you!

As a happily married woman with two kids, I am telling you now that it is OK to be single! Its perfectly fine not to be "settled down" yet. It's not bad that you don't have kids. Stop beating yourself up! You are a beautiful/handsome person and being single doesn't change that.

Beyond that, for every day you envy me there are days I'm so jealous of you! Go, for now is but a season and who knows what the future holds!

Much love,
Me

Self Study Sunday: Life Time Line

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There is nothing quite as revealing as looking at the events in your life that make you who you are. The truth is, no one person's time-line looks the same as another's. So this is our project today, create yours! If you need a little more information, you can check out my inspiration here. The dates are not as important as the events. Write down only the events that matter to you, not what "should" be on it.

Here is a look at mine. Notice how few dates are included.

• July 1987- Birth

• Moved to VA. I also associate this time with my Dad becoming a part of our lives. (My dad is actually my step father, but he has never been that to me.)
• Saved by Grace and called into missions. I have my parents' fabulous neighbor to thank for that.
• 7th grade- pulled out of public schools and started homeschooling.  This really OPENED a lot of doors for me. See below.
• 2 mission trips to the Philippines.
• Teen Summer camp- I decided to go to the tiny Christian university in Oklahoma, Southwestern Christian University.
• 2005- Mission trip to the place that has always had my heart, Japan.
• Chris- All you need to know is he was abusive and I was naive.
• Andrew- My true knight in shinning armor came along.
• 2007 Left my life and love in VA and headed to OK for school.
• Dustin- A good friend I met in school who followed my lead and moved back to VA after college.
• South Africa- I spent my last semester at school interning overseas.
• 2009- First real job as an Instructional assistant.
• Jan.  2010 Married my prince.
• Carlie- God's way of telling me I'm not alone and friends do exsist.
• Dec. 2010- Benjamin was born!
• Squash- I miscarried right before Ben's first birthday. It was early on, so the only name we had was "Squash".
• 2012- The move. We moved in with the in-laws.
• Nov. 2012- Henry was born!
• Blogging

So, this is my life in a nutshell. Yes, there is a lot more, but this is what made me!
 Join me for the link up... Share what made you, or do any one of the other ideas I've posted!

30 Before 30: Six

This very special goal on my list of must dos before 30 will not shock anyone with children.

6. Find a good non-family babysitter.

It is such a blessing to live close to plenty of family. I frequently call on them to watch my two boys. However, I think it would be nice to give them a break and have a back-up plan. Beyond that, it would help my kids learn to behave for other adults! This makes me think... what do you consider the most important thing about a hiring a new babysitter?

On a Side Note

I have been thinking lately... is the "typical" time table for seasons in life? I mean is there a name for that "quarter-life crisis"? Is there a title for the time you spend raising you kids? If there is, what is the schedule look like. I'm curious to see if I'm right on course or if I took my own path. I'm sure some psychology major, teacher, professional out there can help me. I'll even take your personal thoughts. Tell me, what does the "time table" of life look like?

Its Good to Be Alive

It really is good to be alive. I have a story no one would believe. Yet, I will share a little of it with you today.

I shouldn't be here today.
I should not be alive.

If you don't believe me, listen to this:

Before birth I was almost aborted, but saved by my brave mother and loving Papa.
As an infant I had severe Meningitides, which leaves many permanently marred and some dead.
As I teen I had seizures, traveled into dangerous lands (during wars), and feared nothing.
As a young adult I flat-lined and spent over a week in the CCU.
As a married adult I continued to have heart issues and had a pacemaker put in.
Today, I live with constant pain and my heart has help.

I AM STILL ALIVE!

Someone once told me, "When you come through a lot, it means God has big plans for you." My response to that is, "These must be some HUGE plans."

I don't always live as thankfully as I should for everything I have gone through, for everything I am. However, I am telling God and the world now that I am so thankful He made me such a strong woman. There are so many more situations that I didn't even include that show just how amazing the fact I am here today is.

Tomorrow I turn 26 years old. Its been some kind off life and I have a long way to go!

Two day old melancholy is no good for dinner

Over the past two days I have suffered from a terrible case of melancholy. You know, one of those irrational melancholy days where you fear your marriage is crumbling, your kids are hellions, and the sky is falling. Because of these I think this post may be one of the deepest, most personal posts I've yet to share.

First, I have to admit defeat. My grand intentions to cook all these wonderful, beautiful things have been shattered. This comes the first reason for my woes. At this moment my entire family lives under one roof with my in-laws. Although they have been wonderful to allow us to stay here, the difficulty of having a young family in the home of empty nesters is indescribable.

In the summer of last year, things were looking good. Life seemed to finally be moving in the direction we desired. We had one child and another on the way and were starting to look at houses. Like a whirlwind, jobs were lost, relationships strained, and depression crept in. Needless to say, the idea of a house seems light-years away.

After the birth of my youngest, I suffered from postpartum depression. Not so difficult to understand considering everything going on around me. After a few weeks of suffering, I talked to my OB and got on medication. It took time, but it helped. As I became more involved in church, this blog, and work I felt better. I weaned myself off the medication thinking the slight hormonal balance must have been cured and I no longer needed help.

I still need help. As things get harder for my family and I financially, both my husband and I suffer emotionally. Neither of us know quite how to deal with it. Deep down we both want the other one to fix it all so we can move on with life. However, I am aware things don't work like that.

Now this is where I am at. In the need of deep self exploration that leads to contentment found in who I am and the family I have. I need an inner strength that pull my kids and husband with me through these times that seem impossible. I need the lover of my soul to change the parts of me that I cannot.

I apologize to those of you looking forward to the wonderful dishes I was supposed to make. It saddens me greatly to give up on something I desired so much. Perhaps it is a lesson learned. Life is not something we can plan out in every detail. Sometimes God take the pen a different direction. My book is not yet finished and like most good pieces of literature, a sorrowful beginning may bring a joyful completion.

Thank you for all the support I have received so far and continue to get on a daily basis. I look forward to hearing from my readers and follows. I enjoy blessing the lives of those who are touched by my words. I hope that I will continue to give you something worth reading. If nothing more, you will truly get to know me.

Looking Forward

Since I had to cut "My Julia Project" short temporarily, I will soon move on to the subject I intended on doing next month. (I hope to one day bring this original topic to completion in my own place!) I will have to discuss it with my husband, but I'm sure he will oblige. Until then, I will begin telling you our story. I hope to many great stories from you as well. I intend on having at least one guest blogger during the next month or so. This should be a month of true growth for me and my marriage.

What You Missed- 2 days without me!

Watch out for the two year old driver!

Don't worry we were in the drive way. He thought it was so awesome!

My Outfit

I looked good today for dress down, so its worth sharing.

The blouse I got at Good Will. Truth is, I have no idea who the original designer of the blouse is. Everything else came from my "closet collection".


Thank you for dealing with me. I hope to keep entertaining, blessing, and surprising you!

Remind me again...

Someone please remind me why I'm supposed to be writing this blog again. Ok, so that was really rhetorical. It just feels like its been a million years since I've posted anything and Im getting no where with the original goal. I'd like to say, "while I was gone, I have come so far." But, I'd be lying. Actually, if you could be negative-square one, that would be me.

Im sure almost everyone knows what its like to have so much going on that you forget you only have one life to live. There are whole days I only see the sunlight through my car window on my way to work. I am so tired of living the "getting by" kind of existence. So, how does one live life to the fullest? Is it only meant for a few? Is it possible for someone on the low end of totem pole? Is it possible for ME?

For those of you who are wondering, I am healed pretty well from my pacemaker surgery. My son is growing up quickly (and I'm missing it), and my husband can see some light at the end of his career tunnel. Truthfully, our life seems to be going... smoothly. (It took me a few moments to choose the wording of the previous statement. "Well," would have made it sound as if I thought things were actually good.) Smoothly, I will give my life that. We have settled into a routine. Everything is penciled in. You know its bad when you have so schedule some things.  This is not at all the life I had imagined for myself. I am not the mother I wanted to be or the wife I should be. I need a life makeover. Is there a show for that? Something like- The Biggest Loser, Extreme Home Makeovers, What Not To Wear, and I don't know; all put together!


Getting to know Myself: Step One- What do I want in a Life?

A career I don't hate, that doesn't consume my entire day.
A house- big enough to fit a family, with a yard (with preferably, some grass).
Children. Mine, yours, adopted, everywhere...
A life, with friends and all.
A happy and satisfied husband. Not perfect, just perfectly mine.
Enough money. Not too much, I dont need to be rich. Not too little, I already know how that is.
To get on the mission field (once in a while at least).

Getting to know Myself: Step Two- What do I have?
Two jobs, I dont hate them... but they do consume my whole day and dont pay enough.
A two bedroom, basement apartment with noisy neighbors and no outdoors space.  Forget a mortgage.
One very handsome and wonderful 6 month old baby boy.
Do really great coworkers count?
Great husband, not a lot of time to make him happy.
Well, we sort of have enough to cover all the bills, if Im creative.
I haven't seen my beloved Japan in several years now and with all these bills, its going to be a while. 


Am I close?

I guess I should keep working on it. For now, I'll be happy if I can keep up with this blog. Pray my internet connection lasts. Its been months since someone has been willing to "share".

Keeping up with the "pace"

   Thank you mother for the great title! So much life has happened since I wrote last. I don't believe I've mentioned that I really shouldn't be alive. I'm not saying this because I don't want to be alive, or because I know something I shouldn't; I'm saying this because my life is a blessing. Since conception my life has been in danger of being lost. It feels weird to say that when I feel perfectly healthy. I should explain what I mean. In the womb I was saved abortion, after birth my mother (and her very good doctor) followed their instincts and saved me from meningitis, as a child I went over seas in times of war, as a teenager and young adult I spent weeks in the ICU due to seizures and flat-lining. I shouldn't be alive, but I am!
   Just two weeks ago I spent a week in the hospital with my same heart condition I've had for many years. They determined I have bachycardia (a slow heart rate). It caused me several issues including passing out, and seizures.They finally decided to be proactive and put a pacemaker in. That was an ordeal in itself. They had to go in twice because the leads attached inside my heart came out the first time. Let me repeat this, I should not be alive. Can anyone tell me why I might still be living when everything else says I shouldn't. People  keep telling me "you're meant for something big". If so, what is it? I want to know why, when it looks like I shouldn't, I am still able to write this blog. I sometimes find myself complaining about I cant keep up, or I don't know what to do, or I need a break, but I don't think I should ask for anything more. I'm living, that really says it all.
   I am truly blessed with all the people in my life. I couldn't make it through without them. I wonder what part of my ultimate purpose this all will play. I need to know where I'm supposed to go, when I shouldn't even being going. What do you do with that? What do you do when you really are the living [who should be] dead?

"I want to stay home and..."

   ...bake cookies with you! No, really. I want to stay home and cookies don't sound too bad either. Going back to work after having my son is so much harder than I thought it would be. I miss my long days with him, now that they are gone. I'm so busy all the time, I have no real time for anything or anyone.
    I'm considering going back to school. Doing so would put my school loans on deference and allow my husband and I to buy a home. It will be pretty tough working two jobs and going to school, but in the long run I hope its worth it. Perhaps my husband will get one of those great jobs he has been applying for and I can let my second one go. Hey! Perhaps I can even let them both go and stay home with my little dude until he goes into preschool in a few years. That would be the high life.
   If I do go back to school, I think I've finally decided on what I should get my masters in. I'm thinking of getting another useless degree. This time in Asian Studies with a focus on Japanese culture. Sounds exciting, right? I think so, although I have no clue how I'll use it. Other than missions, what could you use it for? Anyway, Ive found myself missing school terribly. I didn't think I'd miss it until I was living the "adult" life. Not that I will be able to go back to being the "college" student again. I miss being in classes, writing papers, and taking in new things that interest me. Not to mention, I had girl friends then too. If I apply in the summer and get in by fall, Hubby and I can be looking at houses by September! Who knows?
   As for now, I'm stuck working my two jobs.  I'm blessed my son is sleeping pretty well at night. I dont get much done at home, I'm so tired most nights that I cant barely think. I do like my jobs, I'm just worn out. I assume that this gets easier in time. Although, you know what they say...
   I also spoke about cookies! Losing the baby belly is exactly what everyone warned me it would be, hard. My coworkers and I are starting on the South Beach Diet on the 15th, and I need to get my sweet cravings out now. I don't think I even have much food that works for the diet in my house. Hopefully I will find something until Hubby gets paid. Otherwise, we are going to be pretty hungry. We couldn't start the diet until after Valentine's day. Almost everyone had plans. Sadly, I wont be getting any chocolate or special reservations this year. Babies are also expensive. I spent over $35 dollars on diapers and wipes the other day! At least I have two very good looking men as my valentines this year.
   I miss my family. I miss family time. I really miss couple time with Hubby. Living a double life of work and home (especially when you work a lot), can drain the energy out you. Not just physically, but emotionally too. I've only been back two weeks and I already feel like a I need a break. I just want to catch up and "fill" my family bucket. I'm sure I'm not alone, every new mom has to feel this way to some extent. The question is, how do they get past it?
 

Crying baby; Tuna sandwich

  
 I thought the name of this post was very appropriate for the occasion. If you haven't already guessed, I am eating a tuna sandwich and listening to my son express his dislike for being put down for nap. A random title seemed the best option since I had so much to discuss.

    Considering this is my very first post, I want to cover some of the things I want to explore during the life of this blog. When I first pondered the idea of blogging, it was a distant dream, a hopeful after thought. When I finally got serious, a whole plethora of ideas flowed into my cerebellum. Below I will list some of the questions I wish to answer and a few of the titles that may appear in future posts.

• What am I supposed to do?
• Who am I, really?
• What makes a good mom, not just a good mother?
• What did I learn from my childhood?
• What did I miss? (My childhood and teen years)
• Facing my past, what did I learn?
• The future, what does it hold?
• Love, Life, and Happily Ever After
• Why I like shuffle. 
• Who says I cant do everything?
• Blessings in the mail
• Miracles happen
• The No Good, Very Bad Day
• Plus size and beautiful, dealing with self image
• The beauty queen within
• When Yes means No and Vissa Versa
• Dear Manda, random facts and advice
• What happened? I suddenly grew up.
• Who says "there is no such thing as Prince Charming?"
• Can faith and logic be reconciled?
• Laugh a little
• No longer honeymooners
• Everything I learned, I learned from my mother...

    That is just a few things that I quickly jotted down. I suspect I will have many, many more pop into my mind later on.  Now, over time you will get to know me. Please feel free to ask a question, add a thought, or just point out something I missed. Self exploration is a journey, Im inviting you to come along and be apart of my team. So team, we're off!