Saturday, June 11, 2011

Remind me again...

Someone please remind me why I'm supposed to be writing this blog again. Ok, so that was really rhetorical. It just feels like its been a million years since I've posted anything and Im getting no where with the original goal. I'd like to say, "while I was gone, I have come so far." But, I'd be lying. Actually, if you could be negative-square one, that would be me.

Im sure almost everyone knows what its like to have so much going on that you forget you only have one life to live. There are whole days I only see the sunlight through my car window on my way to work. I am so tired of living the "getting by" kind of existence. So, how does one live life to the fullest? Is it only meant for a few? Is it possible for someone on the low end of totem pole? Is it possible for ME?

For those of you who are wondering, I am healed pretty well from my pacemaker surgery. My son is growing up quickly (and I'm missing it), and my husband can see some light at the end of his career tunnel. Truthfully, our life seems to be going... smoothly. (It took me a few moments to choose the wording of the previous statement. "Well," would have made it sound as if I thought things were actually good.) Smoothly, I will give my life that. We have settled into a routine. Everything is penciled in. You know its bad when you have so schedule some things.  This is not at all the life I had imagined for myself. I am not the mother I wanted to be or the wife I should be. I need a life makeover. Is there a show for that? Something like- The Biggest Loser, Extreme Home Makeovers, What Not To Wear, and I don't know; all put together!

Getting to know Myself: Step One- What do I want in a Life?

A career I don't hate, that doesn't consume my entire day.
A house- big enough to fit a family, with a yard (with preferably, some grass).
Children. Mine, yours, adopted, everywhere...
A life, with friends and all.
A happy and satisfied husband. Not perfect, just perfectly mine.
Enough money. Not too much, I dont need to be rich. Not too little, I already know how that is.
To get on the mission field (once in a while at least).

Getting to know Myself: Step Two- What do I have?
Two jobs, I dont hate them... but they do consume my whole day and dont pay enough.
A two bedroom, basement apartment with noisy neighbors and no outdoors space.  Forget a mortgage.
One very handsome and wonderful 6 month old baby boy.
Do really great coworkers count?
Great husband, not a lot of time to make him happy.
Well, we sort of have enough to cover all the bills, if Im creative.
I haven't seen my beloved Japan in several years now and with all these bills, its going to be a while. 

Am I close?

I guess I should keep working on it. For now, I'll be happy if I can keep up with this blog. Pray my internet connection lasts. Its been months since someone has been willing to "share".

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Keeping up with the "pace"

   Thank you mother for the great title! So much life has happened since I wrote last. I don't believe I've mentioned that I really shouldn't be alive. I'm not saying this because I don't want to be alive, or because I know something I shouldn't; I'm saying this because my life is a blessing. Since conception my life has been in danger of being lost. It feels weird to say that when I feel perfectly healthy. I should explain what I mean. In the womb I was saved abortion, after birth my mother (and her very good doctor) followed their instincts and saved me from meningitis, as a child I went over seas in times of war, as a teenager and young adult I spent weeks in the ICU due to seizures and flat-lining. I shouldn't be alive, but I am!
   Just two weeks ago I spent a week in the hospital with my same heart condition I've had for many years. They determined I have bachycardia (a slow heart rate). It caused me several issues including passing out, and seizures.They finally decided to be proactive and put a pacemaker in. That was an ordeal in itself. They had to go in twice because the leads attached inside my heart came out the first time. Let me repeat this, I should not be alive. Can anyone tell me why I might still be living when everything else says I shouldn't. People  keep telling me "you're meant for something big". If so, what is it? I want to know why, when it looks like I shouldn't, I am still able to write this blog. I sometimes find myself complaining about I cant keep up, or I don't know what to do, or I need a break, but I don't think I should ask for anything more. I'm living, that really says it all.
   I am truly blessed with all the people in my life. I couldn't make it through without them. I wonder what part of my ultimate purpose this all will play. I need to know where I'm supposed to go, when I shouldn't even being going. What do you do with that? What do you do when you really are the living [who should be] dead?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

"I want to stay home and..."

   ...bake cookies with you! No, really. I want to stay home and cookies don't sound too bad either. Going back to work after having my son is so much harder than I thought it would be. I miss my long days with him, now that they are gone. I'm so busy all the time, I have no real time for anything or anyone.
    I'm considering going back to school. Doing so would put my school loans on deference and allow my husband and I to buy a home. It will be pretty tough working two jobs and going to school, but in the long run I hope its worth it. Perhaps my husband will get one of those great jobs he has been applying for and I can let my second one go. Hey! Perhaps I can even let them both go and stay home with my little dude until he goes into preschool in a few years. That would be the high life.
   If I do go back to school, I think I've finally decided on what I should get my masters in. I'm thinking of getting another useless degree. This time in Asian Studies with a focus on Japanese culture. Sounds exciting, right? I think so, although I have no clue how I'll use it. Other than missions, what could you use it for? Anyway, Ive found myself missing school terribly. I didn't think I'd miss it until I was living the "adult" life. Not that I will be able to go back to being the "college" student again. I miss being in classes, writing papers, and taking in new things that interest me. Not to mention, I had girl friends then too. If I apply in the summer and get in by fall, Hubby and I can be looking at houses by September! Who knows?
   As for now, I'm stuck working my two jobs.  I'm blessed my son is sleeping pretty well at night. I dont get much done at home, I'm so tired most nights that I cant barely think. I do like my jobs, I'm just worn out. I assume that this gets easier in time. Although, you know what they say...
   I also spoke about cookies! Losing the baby belly is exactly what everyone warned me it would be, hard. My coworkers and I are starting on the South Beach Diet on the 15th, and I need to get my sweet cravings out now. I don't think I even have much food that works for the diet in my house. Hopefully I will find something until Hubby gets paid. Otherwise, we are going to be pretty hungry. We couldn't start the diet until after Valentine's day. Almost everyone had plans. Sadly, I wont be getting any chocolate or special reservations this year. Babies are also expensive. I spent over $35 dollars on diapers and wipes the other day! At least I have two very good looking men as my valentines this year.
   I miss my family. I miss family time. I really miss couple time with Hubby. Living a double life of work and home (especially when you work a lot), can drain the energy out you. Not just physically, but emotionally too. I've only been back two weeks and I already feel like a I need a break. I just want to catch up and "fill" my family bucket. I'm sure I'm not alone, every new mom has to feel this way to some extent. The question is, how do they get past it?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

When Yes Means No

This next post is a little excerpt from a comedic book I was working on at one point. Please forgive the fact that it is written as a woman talking to men.  It is just a little glimpse of what men should really know. I have to admit, I was quite young when I started this book and I don't think men are always this oblivious. Still, I do still find that some of this rings true. Enjoy my work...

Guys rarely realize how much they miss about the women in their lives. Men and women are on a truly different wave length. One day, as me and a few of my female friends were chatting we decided someone ought to clue the gentleman in to what goes on in a lady’s mind.

            First off, we will discuss common things women say and what they really mean. It’s not that women are liars, but they do tend to try to hide their emotion with sheer cover-ups. There is several reasons for this, but when it comes to the men in their life, it’s to make them feel like someone really knows them. Ladies are queens of sarcasm and they have mastered the art of talking around the truth. This is often used as a way of avoiding items of discussion, hinting at a desire, or they just plain can’t help it.

1. When a woman says “no thank you”, “please don’t”, and “you don’t have to”:
            When a lady says this she is more often than not saying “I wish you would” or “I’d love that”. Women don’t want to feel like they forced someone to do something or buy her things; they want it to truly be a gift. By denying the offer the first time, and making the gentleman or friend insist, it assures them they are not being overly needy or demanding. However, there are many occasions when no means no. Men especially, have to be able to tell the difference by looking the situation. Many times, when a man asks a lady if she wants to go somewhere specific or to do something and she refuses that means NO. We will look at a few examples.

A. Men, imagine you and your girlfriend are walking through the mall one afternoon and she points out a lovely set of earrings in a store you enter. You know she likes them and you offer to purchase them for her. Of course her first response is “no, really you don’t have to” so you assume she doesn’t really want them. You realize after circling the store she walks by them again.
            Ok gentleman if you don’t see it, you are blind. She is quietly screaming “Yes! Please get them for me.” Not making her ask for something, and purchasing something even after she refuses makes you look like a sweetheart. It doesn’t have to be something big, but women remember the little things and that can help you later.

B. Let’s move to a slightly different situation. You are about to take a trip without the lady in your life and you ask her if she wants anything from your trip, she will always say “no, I’m fine”.
            In this case just remember two things, she has to live without you for the time you’re away and she ALWAYS brings something back for you when she leaves. Women are natural shoppers! She will or has brought you something before and you should return the favor if you can. Sometimes, it is not the item that a woman requires, but the thought you put into it. Think, what would be special to her? Perhaps a picture of “wish you were here,” written in the sand is all that is needed.

C.  Now for a situation where no actually means NO. It’s a cloudy evening and you both are sitting around doing nothing, trying to figure out something to do. After a while you get an idea! You turn to her and ask “you want to go to a game?” and she looks you solemnly into your eyes and says “nah”.
            For one, when it comes to sports not every woman knows much about it. Many times a lady will go to a game for you because she cares about you but it wouldn’t be smart to push it when she says no. If in fact she does like sports (or whatever the event is that you asked her to attend), perhaps she is just a tired. Everyone has their days when they just don’t really feel like doing some things. Learn to read her.

D. Lastly, we will look at a little more serious situation. You and your woman just get back to your house after a great date and before you know it you’re kissing. After a while things begin to get more heated than both of you expected. It finally gets to a point where she becomes uncomfortable and asks if you both could cool it.
            This is not a situation to be taken lightly. Anytime you face something like this, yes means yes and no always means no, there is no exceptions. When it comes to the physical realm boundaries have to be followed. Respect is necessary in a relationship whether friendship or otherwise.

2. When women say “whatever you want to do,” “I don’t care,” or “whatever”:
             Each of these last few phrases has drastically different meanings depending on the situation in which they are being used. The first two phrases are often used in order not to make a decision, where the last one is more often used when a woman is frustrated or upset. Knowing the difference between these can save you from a fight or the silent treatment. These lines can be confusing and complicated so we will look at a few examples.

A. Lets pretend both you and your woman are at a theme park having a wonderful time. You walk up to two roller coasters with equally long lines and you ask her which she would prefer. After a moment she responds “whichever one you want babe,” with a smile.
            In this situation she really wants you to decide. Very few woman like to be the completely dominant one in a relationship, sometimes it’s nice to have the man make the decisions. There are many cues to look for to be able decipher when she really doesn’t mind that you decided. First off look for a smile (and not a fake one either), also listen to how she says it. Learn your girl’s form of sarcasm! If she looks away to somewhere else or out into space while she says it, it may mean something else.

B. Now we will look at a different situation where the exact phrase means something completely different. Imagine you are both sitting in your living room talking and you get a brilliant idea to play one of your video games. She had shown interest before in learning to play and became fairly good at Mario. You take out the controllers and ask her is she would prefer Mario or James Bond! She makes a scrunched up face and says “whatever you want, I don’t care.” (We will discuss whatever below.)
             Listen to me boys, if you got her playing video games at all stick to what she knows! Seriously, in a case like this it would be wiser to stick to something she knows and understands. Many time woman only say “whatever you want” to let you pick what you know they would prefer. Show your lady you know what she likes; remember she is doing what you asked to do.

C. Last but not least, we will look at the famous valley girl line, “whatever.” It may be amusing to see that in writing but like it or not we ladies have used it in the past and still use it today. Suppose you were sent on an errand shopping for your woman (yes, I know boys, no fun) and she gave you a very specific list of items to purchase. You go through the store and realize one of the items she asked for is double the price of the rest of the similar items on the shelf, so you call her. While on the phone, you mention the cost but she still insists the recipe won’t work without it. Still confused, you argue that the item is the same as all the rest. After a while an argument has sprung from something that was unneeded. Finally she gives up and ends the phone call with “Fine, whatever. Get what you want.”
            These situations are never any fun and no one ever really wins happily. Sometimes women are stubborn (don’t get a big head gentleman so are you). Look at the situation, is it really worth fighting over?  In almost any conversation when a woman uses “whatever,” she is being sarcastic or she is unhappy with the decision. Unless she is laughing and playing valley girl, this is normally a word you don’t want to hear from your lady.

Of course this is only a little piece of the book, I thought you all might find it interesting. I don't know how many books I have started with the intention of completion. Truly, I miss having the time and passion for writing that I once had. I have a collection of poetry, several starts to books, and many short works. Perhaps there will be more opportunities for me to share my work with you in the future. 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Crying baby; Tuna sandwich

 I thought the name of this post was very appropriate for the occasion. If you haven't already guessed, I am eating a tuna sandwich and listening to my son express his dislike for being put down for nap. A random title seemed the best option since I had so much to discuss.

    Considering this is my very first post, I want to cover some of the things I want to explore during the life of this blog. When I first pondered the idea of blogging, it was a distant dream, a hopeful after thought. When I finally got serious, a whole plethora of ideas flowed into my cerebellum. Below I will list some of the questions I wish to answer and a few of the titles that may appear in future posts.

  • What am I supposed to do?
  • Who am I, really?
  • What makes a good mom, not just a good mother?
  • What did I learn from my childhood?
  • What did I miss? (My childhood and teen years)
  • Facing my past, what did I learn?
  • The future, what does it hold?
  • Love, Life, and Happily Ever After
  • Why I like shuffle. 
  • Who says I cant do everything?
  • Blessings in the mail
  • Miracles happen
  • The No Good, Very Bad Day
  • Plus size and beautiful, dealing with self image
  • The beauty queen within
  • When Yes means No and Vissa Versa
  • Dear Manda, random facts and advice
  • What happened? I suddenly grew up.
  • Who says "there is no such thing as Prince Charming?"
  • Can faith and logic be reconciled?
  • Laugh a little
  • No longer honeymooners
  • Everything I learned, I learned from my mother...

    That is just a few things that I quickly jotted down. I suspect I will have many, many more pop into my mind later on.  Now, over time you will get to know me. Please feel free to ask a question, add a thought, or just point out something I missed. Self exploration is a journey, Im inviting you to come along and be apart of my team. So team, we're off!