Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Honest Thoughts

The full title of this post was originally "What happens when your not sure about what you've found when your 'finding yourself'," but that was a bit much. After that I adapted it to "Honest Thoughts on Finding Yourself," which I determined was still too lengthy. So in the end I shortened it, but you get the jist.

Basically, as I get older I question more. I look more deeply into the previous decisions I've made and I realize I have more say in who I am than I have allowed for the past 26 years. Honestly, I have been going against a flow of normalcy my whole life, however it isn't until now that I've owned that as being part of me. I've also learned to be more open with my needs, wants, and desires. I've learned to take pride in the aspects of my own personality and appearance that hindered me in my youth. I take responsibility for who I am and who I am becoming. This must truly be something that comes with years or wisdom, because I never saw all this before.

My original post title gives you a glimpse of the internal struggle with what I am beginning to see within myself. The strict rules of conduct and personal expectations I once placed on myself are slowly peeling away. What I'm finding is a long list of curiosities, an interesting mix of passions, and collection of undetermined possibilities. Perhaps this change of mindset is why they say women hit their prime in their thirties. I've seen a lot of things change as I near that magical age. From the emotional to the physical and the spiritual to the sexual, I am feeling more and more like a maze or fine detailed piece of art. There is so much more to me than I realized.

Now, if I only understood everything I was finding. At times the revelations are surprising or even scary. I am so blessed to have my husband who is willing to talk it out and help me reach some form of understanding of what I am feeling, discovering, or exploring. The interesting thing about this is that it happens all the time. I spend much of my alone time thinking, writing, or exploring Pinterest. Even music seems to open worlds within my mind. Its quite an amazing thing. I am rarely bored.

Please don't get me wrong. There is a lot of core aspects of my personality and beliefs that haven't changed at all. In fact, these new found tools and the desire for self discovery has strengthened some of them. It just leaves me with so many questions. It makes me wonder if I could have known and understood some of these things sooner. It makes me question myself at times, "what if I don't like the me I find?" Its such a confusing and exciting time.

I would love to hear stories, tips, and thoughts from those of you have already gone through it or are doing so with me. Let me know that I am not alone... or just tell me I'm crazy and let us move on with life!

By the way, I hope you enjoyed the "shades" of me!


  1. Being a 30+ woman I find a am more intrigued to learn about others and less focused on myself. I am much more compassionate and patient with situations and people then I ever thought I would be. I find that I think more before I speak. I find that I plan my future out for the sake of those around me (my family). And considering where I came from before I met Christ at the later age of 26, I feel I am now more bolder, confident to pronounce who I am, who I was and who God continues to change me into. I work hard to keep my mind pure, which is something before Christ, I had no clue mattered. I focus on His word, His music and His TV programs. I never imagined that watching a commercial on TV would cause me to clench my teeth, grip my hands and literally make my skin crawl. But it does. Call it wisdom. Call it separation. Call it discernment. But it gives me great joy, to turn around, see who I was and now see who I am as a Woman of 30+ and diligently following the foot steps of Christ. Don't get me wrong, I don't only stumble, I trip, fall, maybe even break the promises to God of being"that Christ like woman", but I do my best to be redeemed and start a clean slate. 30+ and reaching 40 is something I can not wait for. I am excited for all women whom mature and grow into what God desires for them to be.

  2. I get it. Can't really go into much detail right now, but I am so looking forward to chatting more with you in September! ;)